Centaur Theatre presents

Urban Tales: An Erotic Christmas

Created in collaboration with Théâtre Urbi et Orbi

Mankind written by Marianne Ackerman, performed by Leni Parker
He reaches out and takes my hand and we both roll back on the bed like two empty barrels. And I’m thinking, whoa, he’s fatter than me! And he’s a breast man. For men like that, well … there’s no such thing as too much breast. Fat does not exist in that area of the female body. It’s all just more of what they like. I mean, he really seemed to get worked up over my … which is … you know … a very big turn on, to see a man get worked up over….  Not that he was pushy, or anything. Not one bit. He treated my breasts like they were a treat.

Madame Butterfly written by Yvan Bienvenue, performed by Bill Rowat
The uh… the Butter – the Butterfly? It’s a… uh… well, it’s a clitoral stimulator… that’s what’s written on the… so while I can’t personally vouch for its efficiency? It laid my old mother out on her back… seriously…

Feliz Navidad written by Luciana Burcheri, performed by Nadia Verrucci
Tonight. Christmas Office Party.  A chichi club in Brossard. A Christmas show called Santa Baby with a duo of plastic generic performers in short tight dresses, revealing more cleavage and cellulite than was meant for the human eye. We – me, him and a few other people from my department, standing at the back of the hall, up against the bar; the place packed. I was standing right in front of him and I could feel him. His body vibrating behind me. He didn’t move; he just stood there playing it casual. I couldn’t even see his face. All I could feel was his breath on the back of my neck and I could smell him.  And he smelled like yearning. I was on fire. My belly, my red lace panties … everything inside me ached.

Do We Have a Mary? written & performed by Stefanie Buxton
I was fourteen years old, almost fifteen, when I fell in love with Jesus. I was also panicked, wondering when the hell my period would ever come.  Sure, I was a late bloomer, but understand when I say “fell in love with Jesus”, I don’t mean in the “church way”.  I wanted him to be my boyfriend.  My lover.  Seriously!

Santa’s Wife and Baby Dyke written & performed by Dayna McLeod
I met her at an office Christmas party. I knew she was married but didn’t know who her husband was until he was banging on the other side of a squeaky styrofoam snowman hanging on the bathroom door. I was face deep into his wife with her legs wrapped around the back of my head, coming up for breaths like a swimmer doing the butterfly. It was the 90s, she was twice my age, and her husband was my boss.

Quimby written & performed by Harry Standjofski
“Look” she said, pointing above the vestibule door. Mistletoe. “Come on then,” she said. I froze. “Don’t be a suck,” she said. I couldn’t stand. She leaned down – oh the smell of her hair – and she kissed me. My lips were puckered but her tongue kind of snaked its way in. Our teeth bumped as we necked. Do I have to mention that I got excited? “You’ve never done this,” she said. If I could have managed to get some oxygen into my lungs I might have responded. She kissed me again. Our tongues did a slow-dance, like to “Stairway to Heaven”…

Performance schedule
Thursday, Dec. 10 @ 8PM
Saturday, Dec. 12 @ 8PM
Thursday, Dec. 17 @ 8PM
Friday, Dec. 18 @ 8PM
Saturday , Dec. 19 @ 8PM

For tickets and information: www.centaurtheatre.com 514-288-3161

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